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Friday, February 23, 2007

The Devil Made Nic Do It

Last night, I saw the movie Ghost Rider a.k.a. Nicholas Cage has been taking crazy pills.

Now, I knew going in to it that it was going to suck. So, my bad. I went with my son Connor and a bunch of guys from church including Dave, Ben, and Joe who are all on staff with me. But, I was still so surprised at how bad a movie can be and I still wonder what possessed Nick Cage to sink to this all-time low.

Ghost Rider introduced new levels of suckness for me. We laughed a lot though and made constant jokes which made it more than tolerable. My favorite moment for which I am very proud was when Nicholas Cage yells out to his girlfriend played by Eva Mendez, “Roxanne!” and I said out loud in the quiet theatre, “You don’t have to put on the red light.” Timing is everything.

If you haven’t seen the movie you will want to run, don’t walk, to your nearest theatre to see it. Then punch yourself in the neck repeatedly.

I’m so disappointed we are so close to the Oscars because that means we have a whole year to wait for the next show and, being that Ghost Rider is so close to the beginning of 2007, I am worried people will forget what a classic it is and it won’t even get a nod from the Academy.

If you haven’t seen the movie, let me sum up the plot for you:

A teenaged Johnny Blaze (Cage) is tricked into making a deal with Mephistopheles (Peter Fonda) to save his stunt-riding chain-smoking Reece Bobby-like dad from dying of cancer. Of course, Mephistopheles is a liar, duh. He cures the cancer but kills him off anyway in a motorcycle wreck. Oh shoot, I just gave away an important part. Fonda took a break from the set of Easy Rider (the last good movie he made) to play the devil. And, it was an easy transition since it is still about motorcycles. This is Fonda's most gripping appearance since the masterpiece Cannonball Run where he played a cameo roll as, you guessed it, a biker. And, it gets better. In 1975, Fonda played in a movie called, "Race With the Devil" in which he plays a dirt bike enthusiast on vacation who gets caught up in some devil stuff. I am sensing a theme here Peter. Anyway, back to the movie plot . . .

Then Eva Mendez shows her cleavage.

Johnny is then given an opportunity to get his soul back if he transforms into a pez-dispenser-like skeleton in flames who rides a West Coast Chopper and hunts down the devil’s son, Blackheart (Wes Bentley). He does this with a little help from the wisdom and friendship of the Caretaker (Sam Elliott).

The first 100 minutes is pretty slow but then it gets better.

For the remaining 10 minutes, Johnny occasionally fights Blackheart and the Cobra Kai. Wait, that was Karate Kid—a far superior movie. By the way, I think the movie was made on the same set as Michael Jackson’s Thriller video but I am not sure.

More Cleavage.

And . . . cut. It’s a wrap.

I do have some suggestions for Ghost Rider 2. Connor and I are certain that had these casting decisions been implemented in the movie we saw tonight, it would be that much more endearing.

First of all, the title for the sequel:

Ghost Writer: The Softer Side of Evil

Plot: The Devil falls in love with an L.A. pole dancer/stripper named Chloe. He wants to write her a poem to woo her and convince her that he has a soft side but he just can’t find the words to say. He promises a young aspiring poet fame and fortune in exchange for the perfect piece of poetry.

The Devil Will Ferrell
Possible quotable line from Will Ferrell: “I am having a devil of a time writing this poem!”

Ghost Writer Owen Wilson

Ghost Writer’s Dad Christopher Walken

Caretaker Tom Selleck. Wait. Tom Selleck and Sam Elliott are the same person. I'm going with David Carradine.

The Devil’s Son Ben Stiller

Chloe the Stripper Heather Graham

Ghost Writer’s Girlfriend (Roxanne)Queen Latifah

Ghost Writer’s Friend Jack Black

Demon 1 Rob Zombie

Demon 2 Gene Simmons

Demon 3 The Rock

Police Commissioner William H. Macy

Musical Score: Definitely Tim Burton


Anonymous said...
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Randy said...

Hey, I miss your blog entries...
JVO, send me your e-mail...I am putiing together a blog e-mail list...

Miss you,