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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Missing God

I've been thinking about how busy I am and how much I miss God. Crazy. All this crap I am doing—supposedly in the name of God and for His sake—and I miss Him. Something is messed up with that.

I was feeling a bit melancholy so I put on an album I recorded a few years ago in a cabin in Lake Tahoe. I cried my eyes out. I sang the songs. I cranked it up and danced in my office. I guess you can say I worshipped.

A 4.5 inch piece of plastic unlocked some memories. Like seeing an old friend. I know that songs tell a story but, when I listen to my own music—my diaries—my journals— the bigger story is the one only I know.

I can't forget. Bad things happen when God's people forget.

The stories behind the songs are all about relationship. Experience with my God. Experience with friends. That’s why I enjoy making music. It is no fun to do it by yourself. It is only fun once you have shared it.

I was praying with my six year old last night. We are almost done reading C.S. Lewis’, The Horse and His Boy. At one point in the story (last night), Shasta (the horse’s boy) is mistaken for one of Queen Susan’s playmates. She freaks out when she thinks her friend is found. She had all the pomp and circumstance and activity anyone could ever want but, losing her friend cost her hours of worry. She wasn’t wanting for activity. Activity doesn’t fulfill. She was lonely without him.

I don’t like being lonely. I need people. I am one of those party guys. (Nothing like a good party. Don’t need a reason. The permission to have a party is reason enough to have one.) But, it’s not the party I really want. I want the people at the party. That’s why I only invite my friends. If it was just a party I wanted, I would invite everyone. I want relationship.

I asked Kasidy (six-year old) if she ever feels lonely. She said she did. I asked her if she has ever missed God. She laughed and told me, “Daddy, God doesn’t go anywhere!”


Knowing that God is always there is a pretty basic concept to my theology—(as well as my six-year old’s). Lonely begs the question, “so, where have I been?”

That's What the Lonely Is Forfrom Big Horizon by David Wilcox

The depth of your dreams, the height of your wishes
The length of your vision to see
The hope of your heart
Is much bigger than this
For it's made out of what might be

Now picture your hope, your heart's desire -
As a castle that you must keep
In all of its splendor, it's drafty with lonely
This heart is too hard to heat

When I get lonely, that's only a sign
Some room is empty and that room is there by design
If I feel hollow - that's just my proof that there's more
For me to follow - that's what the lonely is for

Is it a curse or a blessing this palace of promise
When the empty chill makes you weep?
With only the thin fire of romance to warm you
These halls are too tall and deep

But, you can seal up the pain, build walls in the hallways
Close off a small room to live in
But those walls will remain, and keep you there always
And you'll never know why you were given... why you were given the lonely


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Anonymous said...

Hey Jvo, -Scotty:
Nothing like a good song putting things in perspective, whether one from your life or hearing from one who can put tons of meaning in an ounce of words.
There's nothing like a good tune.
Here's another from David:

Absolutely Clear
from Out Beyond Ideas

Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly, Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you.
As few human or devine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight,
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice so tender.
My need of God absolutely clear.

Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly.

Shams-ud-din Muhammad Hafiz

Translated by: Daniel Ladinsky
Lyric arrangement (and words) from and based on a poem in The Subject Tonight Is Love, copyright 1996 and 2003 by Daniel Ladinsky. Used by permission of Daniel Ladinsky

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Anonymous said...

I had been feeling exactly the same thing... I am missing God so much lately. I used to write poems myself but now I don't get the time to do so. I ran out of inspiration. Perhaps it is the many times that I let "all the work" take away my "special love letters to God" that started the downhill of our relationship. I wish to put Him back to be #1 in my life.

Anonymous said...

i wish i could talk with someone regarding how to get back to God and go beyond this "missing God" feeling. i need to feel the fire back into my heart for God.

pls. keep in touch at my yahoo messenger. thanks. God bless us all!

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