I'm not Touching You

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Stand-Up: Pete Lee - Passive-Aggressive Mascot
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The other day I made a comment on my friend’s Facebook account about a mutual friend who was also commenting. As a joke, I said the mutual friend “used to” return my calls. I was being funny and trying to get someone’s attention. The mutual friend knew it. He called me passive- aggressive. I told him it was only passive-aggressive if you don’t fess up to being manipulative. Which I was. We all had a laugh. The fact is, I was being passive-aggressive. But it was with a close friend and he got the humor. Sometimes, only sometimes, when it is blatant and obvious, passive-aggressive behavior is a comedic device.

But it's not always funny. That little interaction made me think about passive-aggressive behavior and how damaging it is as a way of life. It’s one thing to be funny and it’s another thing to have a default mode where we manipulate as a strategy for getting what we want, escaping what we don’t want to do, not owning our own failures, or controlling another person’s emotions by playing on their sensitivities.

I find in ministry that passive-aggressive behavior is rampant. Maybe it’s because Christians don’t want conflict. Maybe it’s because Christians are supposed to “get along.” Maybe we feel weak or we feel oppressed and it’s a weapon in our arsenal that gives us the upper hand. Maybe we don’t want to scream, get angry, react, get even, or say the hard things so we kick in to passive-aggressive mode as an acceptable way of pleading the Christian 5th .

So, we strut around (or allow other to strut around) like the Christian Sydney Bristow’s of a religious black-ops mission where we disavow knowledge of our own covert missions to control people and situations and maintain plausible deniability while leaving people in a wake of selfishness.

The church is great at playing "I'm not touching you"--the game where we wave our finger in the face of someone else while not making actual contact. When they break, it's their fault.

Are you passive-aggressive? Do you know someone who is? Do any of these behaviors sound familiar to you?

• Saying, “I talked to a few people and they all feel the same way”
• Talking about others behind their back but treating them as if nothing is wrong in private—destroying their character from the outside in
• Finding yourself conveniently forgetting what you agreed to so as to escape the conflict of admitting your error
• Writing nasty notes on church comment cards without signing them
• Pretending you’re ignorant so that the onus is on them to take responsibility
• Calling the church office and leaving anonymous messages about what you don’t like and how you’re thinking about finding another church
• Threatening to leave a church and reminding the pastor you tithe
• Talking a lot about others’ faults under the guise of prayer concerns
• Avoiding conflict resolution but spreading rumors about another
• Telling people what they want to hear even though you plan on doing something your way later
• Constantly renegotiating terms and agreements when you don’t follow through
• Keeping silent in the midst of conflict
• Smiling in heated arguments to shame a person
• Feeling resentful towards others’ demands
• Procrastination
• Being chronically late
• Deleting people you’re close to in social networks to send a message
• Sarcastic remarks designed to hurt
• Sulkiness that prompts people to ask often, “Is everything okay?”
• Punishing someone with silence
• Staying distant from others and isolating yourself in the midst of conflict
• Subtle retaliation (you’re cleaning up but leave their mess out for them to put away on their own)
• Saying, “I really need to talk to you about something” but leaving details out to make the person sweat until the meeting
• Leaving out information when describing a situation to someone so the only facts they have are the ones that play to your advantage

Am I passive-aggressive at times? Sure. I have been. I’m not proud of it. It’s one of the sins in my arsenal along with everyone else. I’m not completely innocent. But, thankfully a concern for conflict resolution usually wins the battle for control in me at this point in my life.

The only way to deal with passive-aggressive behavior is straight on. Don’t shame. Don’t be angry. Don’t be passive-aggressive back at someone. Matthew 5 and Matthew 18 both give classic examples of how to deal with passive-aggressive behavior—in private, in love, with their best interest and the relationship at heart.

Truth be told, in tough case of passive-aggressive behavior, people usually aren’t teachable. They react to confrontation exactly how you would expect them to—denial, surprise, acting like you are attacking them, exaggerating what you said and how you acted when they tell others about the conversation, etc. If you are not in relationship with the passive-aggressive and they haven’t given you permission to speak in to them you have an uphill battle on your hands.

This may be the church’s greatest secret interpersonal communication sin. The only way to heal is to call it out and be ready to play the long game. It’s not an overnight cure.

Found Objects Interactive

Recently at Westwinds, we all participated in a corporate worship interactive designed around a found object compilation art piece.

We asked all our people to dig into their pockets and purses and pull out the stuff that doesn't belong. The "how did this get in here" stuff. The stuff that is occupying space. The junk. The things we forgot to throw away. The things we have a hard time throwing away. We threw all of our found objects into a couple of bins and one of our artists, Sheryl Amburgey, used the discarded objects to make a piece of art.

The idea with this interactive is that we are all found objects. God finds us hiding behind the combs with the broken teeth, the cigarettes, and the keys and asks "what are you doing down here?" He takes seemingly insignificant things and he brings them together and makes something beautiful. The church is a found art collective. We are the pocket fuzz and crud-in-the-bottom-of-the-purse-people.

We don't climb out of the purse or pockets on our own. God seeks us out. He is a constant pursuer. He gathers us together with other forgotten, used, discarded, and broken objects and he puts us together on a canvas to be a testament to His grace and a workmanship created for good works. He calls us beautiful. He calls us his beautiful bride now and forever.

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." --Ephesians 2:10 NLV

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” --Revelation 21:1-5

These beautiful pieces of art will find their way into our lobby gallery. I looked at them long and hard today and chuckled to myself thinking about the items that represent the people at Westwinds--old movie tickets, unwanted keys, half-empty birth control pill containers, a broken tip of a fishing rod, a ripped up business card, left-over Halloween candy, Nicorette nicotine gum packages . . .

I prayed over the paintings and asked questions:

• "Who did they go to the movies with? A boyfriend? A girlfriend? A new love interest?"
• "Did someone stop taking birth control? Are they having a baby? Is it a surprise?"
  
• "Why a fishing rod? Did it ruin their camping trip with their kids?"
• "Were they mad at the person who gave them the business card? Is it their own?"
• "Are they trying to stop smoking? Did they give up trying? Were they successful?"
  
• "Are they giving up candy? Trying to get healthy? Drowning their sorrows in sugar?"
  
• "Did the keys belong to something or someone they no longer care about?"

God knows.

I celebrate and pray for the people of Westwinds. We are a found art collective of epic proportions. We are freaks and weirdos and broken trophies of God's grace.

Ending Daylight Savings: A One-Day Gift to Churches

When it’s time for Daylight Savings Time to end and we all “fall back,” I don’t remind anyone at church. It’s a one-day gift to churches. And, it’s humorous all around.

1. Those who forgot find parking spaces at church.
2. Those who usually arrive a half hour late learn you have a band that doesn’t just play at the end.
3. The band actually gets an extra hour sleep. They are always the first to arrive at the church.
4. Some families feel joy for actually arriving to church on time.
5. Lazy people wake up closer to the hour the really should.
6. Some realize they actually have no excuse to not go to church and have an "aha" moment while they’re eating breakfast.
7. Some get to eat breakfast.
8. The drummer isn’t late.
9. The look on the faces that forgot is priceless and fun to laugh at.
10. Don’t tell the ones who show up a whole hour early what’s going on, hand them a vacuum and thank them for coming to the early cleaning party.
11. Give a tour to all the folks who show up early and show them the areas they can serve in on a weekend.
12. Those who set the alarm on their mobile phones that automatically reset during the night poke fun at the people who use an alarm clock.
13. People feel bad for screaming at their kids to rush them to church and recall the words they said to their kids that morning like “you’re so irresponsible” and “how hard is it to set an alarm?”
14. People in parts of Arizona get to feel superior for a day.
15. You get to have the “what’s better . . . an extra hour of sleep or staying up an extra hour?” debate.

Church Aesthetic Do's and Dont's

I get asked about the overall art and aesthetic of Westwinds often. I feel like I’ve written quite a bit about the "why’s" of art and beauty but I haven’t given much attention to the little decisions I make that fall more in the taste and preference category.

The following post is not a “philosophy” post. It’s a simple “methodology” post. It’s my quirky rules for aesthetics at The Winds. I won’t explain myself too much. These are “my” rules. There may be more I forget but these are the biggies.

1. It themes like you over-thought this—you don’t need a reason to change the aesthetic. If you’re bored, if it feels old, if you get a new idea, they all work. Don’t let theme dictate what you do and certainly don’t live under the tyranny of sermon theme. An aesthetic built around the church in Corinth or Mother’s Day is most likely going to be silly.

2. Reason for the season—One of the things that get old are aesthetic choices that have been done to death and are easy to anticipate in the season. Think outside of Christmas trees and wreaths if you are doing something for Christmas. Or, rethink the tree and wreath. What hints at a tree that isn’t a tree? What looks like a wreath that isn’t? There a list of “go-to” items for every season that I tend to avoid all together. If you can find it in the WalMart seasonal section, I stay away. For the most part.

3. Recycle—I like to think of aesthetic pieces as things I can reuse in other ways if I can change it up enough on round two to look different enough. The plywood that gets painted is the plywood I cut up for planters and repaint and the planters get disassembled and become canvases, etc.

4. Man, you’re cheap—yep. I don’t like to spend over 100 bucks on any aesthetic.

5. Small is dumb—About 15 years ago we decided to put up clocks on every wall. Clocks of every kind. We worked real hard to get donations and borrow from people. We ended up with about 50 clocks. Seems like a lot until you put them on four walls that are 20 feet high. Think it through. We needed 500 clocks for it to work. 50 looks like a garage sale. 500 is breathtaking. If we can’t go big, we don’t do it.

6. Don’t do the same thing twice—enough said. Stretch. Don’t settle. Keep ‘em guessing. Creativity is paramount in everything. It's one of the ways we shadow God.

7. Everything has potential (except raffia)—Things that are “crafty” don’t translate well. If you want your church to look like a school craft fair, go ahead and use raffia and ribbon. I want my church to feel like a museum or an exhibit as opposed to a Hallmark store.

8. Symmetry is dumb (sometimes)—make things interesting. Group in threes or odd numbers. Symmetry can work but only on large scales. If you have two of an item, it is not enough. One on each side of the stage looks like a high school play. Get 15 of those items. Again . . . go big. Symmetry isn’t as bad when things are large scale and don’t have one focus point.

9. Don’t build sets—yuck. Don’t think of your space as a stage and a room. Sets are for plays. Make the rest of the room interesting. Draw attention elsewhere. Create eye candy everywhere there’s space. Don’t make your stage the focal point.

10. Permission to paint please—the paint on our walls almost qualifies as another wall. You have to do it. It has to be able to change.

11. Cafeterias are for eating fast, hospitals are for dying—Unfortunately, many have church buildings that were designed for function with no attention to a philosophy of space or beauty. As such, many rooms have white walls with nothing on them. Then, we expect people to come in to a room and sing with energy. The only white barren space I want to sing in is the shower.

12. Decorations are for drugstore windows—decorations are streamers and plastic tablecloths and figurines and knick-knacks. We don’t use the word. Decorations are gimmicky and limited expressions.

13. Get HGTV or at least buy a magazine—you can get inspired by other ideas. It’s really okay. Or, let an idea inspire you and help you improve upon something.

14. Then there was light—all vibe is about good lighting. The right light makes it awesome. The wrong light ruins it. Find someone passionate about lighting and give them some freedom to make the world a better place.

15. Packaged art and décor is yucky—make your own stuff. This is huge for us and part of a deep conviction we have that we like to express as “growing our own we.” We are suspect of things made "over there" and then brought willy-nilly "over here" because where they came from ought to tie directly into the unique situational requirements for why they were made in the first place. Because ministry comes from within you, we want our people to make their own stuff. "Indie" is cool. We don't copycat, and we hate pre-packaged items/materials. If God is really alive and at work in you, then what you do ought to flow out into your own expression and brand of ministry.

16. Your art doesn’t have to have an end goal—Don’t do with aesthetics what CCM did with music in the 80’s and 90’s. Not all art has to lead people to fall on their knees and pray to Jesus after a first viewing . . . or . . . any viewing. We take art seriously - it's much more than either advertising or propaganda, it's creativity made flesh in honor of the Creator. It’s a signpost, a response, an act of worship, an expression, etc.

17. Everything with excellence and care—We work toward version 4 of every idea (an initial concept, plus 3 rounds of revision). Everything is subject to peer review. Every first-draft gets push back. We don't like things that look like they didn't take too long to make. This is why we steer away from things like clip art, crafts and craft-y things, clutter, homemade flyers, crayons and markers on posters, etc.

18. No such thing as good enough—God is worth our best. Period. If you find yourself making art that is good enough and it isn’t your best effort, it will most likely show and it will definitely begin to influence others to do work that is . . . good enough. You can’t expect your staff and others to turn out great art and work hard unless you are willing to do the same.

19. Use your screens—Don’t forget to use your screens as part of the aesthetic. Great aesthetics are often ruined by crappy things on screen that don’t belong with the rest of the feel.

20. Change it up—Just because.

21. Many artists. One vision.—It’s great to get a ton of people involved but creative collaboration does not work in the midst of creating an aesthetic. Decide beforehand what you will do. Cast that vision. If someone suggests something in the middle . . . listen. But, someone needs to have the final say.