Real Church Stuff

While at lunch my friend told me I should blog about some of the horrid, sad, frightening, embarrassing, and/or hilarious things I have encountered as a pastor over the past few years. I started telling some of the things that could make for good posts and realized they could probably fill a book. So, in the Vertizontal tradition, here is a series of posts I am calling Real Church Stuff.

A couple to start out:::

The Dog Lady:::
A middle-aged woman and her dog came to the church office asking for money. We invited her to go through the regular application for funds we give to anyone in need and asked her the normal questions.

The woman refused to answer any of my questions regarding other organizations in our community that help with food and utilities—organizations we support. Instead, she told me to mind my own business. She refused to fill out any paperwork (it isn’t that hard) and left angry.

Later that night, she showed up at practice with her dog once again. I was locking up the building around 10:00 when she banged on the glass and asked to come in. I went to another door and asked her how I might help her.

She told me she had spent all of her money on dog food and had nothing to buy food for herself. She said she hadn’t eaten in a week because her dog needed to eat.

I suggested she bring the dog to a shelter and take care of herself. Hot button. She pushed through the door, hit me in the chest and screamed at me saying her dog was a person too.

The dog didn’t like me too much either. I had a few words with the dog.

The Filmmaker:::
A man who looked like a cross between Charles Manson and David Hasselhoff came to the church looking to talk to a pastor and I was the pastor of the day—with no one else around.

He told me he needed some money to get his RV back on the road with his film crew who was traveling through the US making a documentary entitled, “666 The Number of the Beast.” The first thing that clued me in to his stack of lies was the fact that no one with any credible film crew would name their documentary something so lame.

This is how the conversation went (MY WORDS ARE IN ALL CAPS)

“Sorry to bother you pastor but I really don’t know where to turn. I too am a pastor and I am traveling with my film crew shooting this documentary and our tire blew and we have no way of paying for a repair or a tow truck.”

YOU MEAN, YOU DRAINED ALL YOUR FUNDS?

“Yes.”

YOU HAVE NO CREDIT CARDS?

“No.”

HAVE YOU CALLED YOUR HOME CHURCH?

“They’re closed.”

ON A WEDNESDAY?

"Yep. Closed on Wednesdays."

CAN YOU CALL ANYONE AT HOME OR ASK ANY OF YOUR CREW TO CALL HOME AND HAVE MONEY WIRED?

“No one on my crew is married.”

WELL, LET ME GO WITH YOU RIGHT NOW AND FIX THE TIRE.

“We don’t have a jack.”

I’LL PICK ONE UP ON THE WAY. CALL YOUR CREW AND TELL THEM WE ARE ON THE WAY.

“No one has a phone. And, the RV is too big, we need enough money for a tow truck to come out."

OKAY, I WILL CALL THE TOW TRUCK COMPANY. WHERE IS THE RV?

"Well, maybe the guys got it fixed by now."

I THOUGHT THEY DON'T HAVE A JACK.

"They might have found one by now."

WHAT IS THE NAME OF YOUR MOVIE?

“666 The Number of the Beast.”

WHAT IS THE CONTENT LIKE?

“It’s about Satan.”

SO, WHAT ARE YOU FILMING?

“People and things about Satan.”

HOW IS IT BEING FUNDED?

“My church has sent me out to film this.”

WHAT IS THE NAME OF YOUR CHURCH?

“Ummm, we just changed our name so you won’t find it in a directory.”

WHAT WERE YOU CALLED BEFORE THE NAME CHANGE?

“Well, we didn’t . . . we were . . . the name . . . we were Baptist. First Baptist.

FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH. WHAT CITY ARE YOU FROM?

“You know, can I use your restroom?”

SURE. IT IS RIGHT DOWN THE HALL HERE.

“Thanks. I’ll be right back.”

He never came back.