7th Heaven Goes to Cancellation Heaven

Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! Blog dripping with sarcasm coming your way.

Just heard today that the WB’s 7th Heaven is on its way to network cancellation heaven. It’s about time.

I like the episode where one of the kids is being sneaky and gets in trouble, the mom has too much to do and is fed up, and the dad has to fix someone’s problem while learning a big lesson himself. Oh, wait. That was every episode.

This thing ran for 10 years! Unbelievable! There is talk of a spin-off. Heaven forbid.

My theory on the reason for the show’s success: Jessica Biel. Esquire magazine recently named her the “sexiest woman alive.” My younger brothers used to watch Seventh Heaven. I will guarantee you it wasn’t for the compelling storyline. She left the show a while ago. Fans say it hasn’t been the same.

My theory on the reason the show is cancelled: Mackenzie Rosman a.k.a. “Ruthie.” Every family show needs a cute little kid. Ruthie grew up. Not a cute little kid anymore. It’s the Rudy Huxtable syndrome. Oh, sure, they tried to introduce new cute kids (twins) but, second round cute kids NEVER work. Just ask Full House or The Brady Bunch.

Here are some more stream-of-consciousness things to consider and/or make us barf:

1. 7th Heaven—though most commonly used as a “state of bliss” is (according to one online dictionary) also “the farthest of the concentric spheres containing the stars and constituting the dwelling place of God and the angels in the Muslim and Cabalist systems.” The Camdens are Protestant. Duh.
2. If they meant “state of bliss” by the title, they could have fooled me. If that family is what a state of bliss looks like I want no part.
3. By the way, we only assume they are protestant. They are not Catholic or Jewish. We know that. I think it is a cult. Yeah, that’s it.
4. Mrs. Camden is one of the most rude and disrespectful TV moms around. And, how about that whiney, complaining voice? Way to be a role model, Annie!
5. Rev. Eric Camden is the biggest wimp of a pastor I have ever laid eyes on. I swear this guy got his credentials on the internet. By the way, Eric . . . are you just gonna stand there and let Annie talk to you like that?
6. I don’t know of any pastor who regularly prepares his messages the day before besides Rev. Camden. Well, I do but, his sermons suck as well.
7. That song. Ahhhh! I can’t get it out of my head! It’s almost as bad as The Golden Girls theme. Which, by the way, didn’t that Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow song sound a lot like the Golden Girls theme?
8. When they wrote Mary (Biel) off the show, they didn’t kill her off or anything. I understand they made her character “evil.” She never calls home, divorced her husband, and moved to Chicago or something. That’s the best you could do guys? Come on Mr. Spelling! You did 90210 for crying out loud! We expect more.
9. The dog is named Happy. Would someone please fire the guy who wrote that into the script?
10. Okay, Simon killed some guy I guess. Never saw the episode but, that’s what I heard. Lame. To make matters worse, I guess the kid he killed may have been high on marijuana at the time. I guess that makes it okay.
11. I think The Rev. is stealing money from the offering plate. The house. The cars. The toys. Mom stays at home. In California. Something is not right.
12. Tip #1 to make the show better: a laugh track
13. Tip #2 to make the show better: actors
14. Tip #3 to make the show better: Send the family on a Hawaiian vacation. Have Simon find a tiki idol in a cave which unleashes a curse and almost kills Lucy in a surfing accident.
15. The smartest character? Believe it or not . . . Ashlee Simpson. She’s smart because she went on to pursue her music which—as lame as it is—kicks butt over this show.
16. I want to bring back the 70’s “Battle of the Network Stars” and see The Rev. fight Lee Majors. That would be so awesome.
17. Did I mention the theme song?
18. This show had over 200 episodes. Amazing. I would like to meet at least one person who has watched this show from the beginning. I would like to take them to coffee. I would like to offer them free counseling. I would like to lock them in a room with a good book. We will start with Curious George and Clifford the Big Red Dog. We don’t want to make the stories too hard to follow at first.
19. Someone once compared this show to Eight is Enough—as if they tried to copy it or something. NO way! First off, they spelled out the number eight (E-I-G-H-T) as compared to the seven in 7th Heaven. Second, eight is more than 7. Third, the acting was WAY better on Eight is Enough. Willie Ames went on to be Bible Man for crying out loud!
20. Idea for a spin-off title: Party of Seven